The Extreme Prepper's Guide to Completely and Utterly Avoiding Black Friday

Black Friday is coming. Undertake these extreme measures to ensure you completely avoid it... and survive!
Avoid Black Friday

Some people have convinced themselves that it'll never happen, that it's all hype. But Black Friday is coming — and it's coming soon! Have you made plans for how you're going to survive a direct strike from Black Friday? If you're an anti-consumerist, Buy-Nothing-Day believer with any hope of surviving Black Friday, you'd best enact some of these Black Friday preparations, STAT.

Get Off the Grid

The primary way Black Friday will getcha is via electronic communications, specifically the internet and TV. It's no use waiting until Black Friday to cancel these services, though: the first signs of an impending Black Friday happen weeks prior! You have to be prepared. Rip out as many wires in your house / bunker / compound as you can. This should prevent Black Friday from electronically infiltrating your life.

All the News That's Unfit to Print

Black Friday propaganda can also sneak into your life in print form via the most innocuous of sources: the lowly newspaper. The quandary with canceling your paper delivery — outside of taking away your paperboy's livelihood — is that newsprint is the perfect medium to paste over your windows to black out any and all Black Friday happenings taking place in the outside world.

Alternative Food Sources

We're not talking about vegan pancakes here. We're talking about making preparations to fend for yourself once Black Friday hits. Once cut off from major supermarkets (which you are avoiding because of the Black Friday madness in the surrounding strip mall), will you be able to provide food for your family?

Learning how to hunt, skin, and dress wild animals is probably the easiest way to feed your family once supermarkets are no longer an option. Starting a garden with a variety of vegetables and fruits can help you last through a Black Friday food crisis. Scared of dirt? Try aquaponics! Not only does that allow you to grow plants without soil, but it comes with the added benefit that you can look down on regular, soil-based farmers (that is if any others make it through Black Friday alive).

Alternately, you could choose to stock up on some dehydrated food and non-dehydrated water instead. However, be sure you plan accordingly for the number of people you need to feed; once Black Friday hits, it won't just be one day — it could last up to a week, if early reports are any indication. You don't want to find yourself in the car headed to a populated area (to get some McMuffins) just because you didn't sock away enough Carnation Instant Breakfasts. Many families will find that they have enough leftovers from the previous-day's Thanksgiving festivities to be OK, but are you willing to take that chance?

Put All Your Money Into Soil

So far we've helped you plan against a Black Friday attack from external forces, but what about internal ones? What about that voice in your head that says, "C'mon! How bad could it be? Let's just go take a peek!" Avoid temptation by removing the means to participate. Put all your cash and credit cards in a waterproof tube (you can make one from PVC piping really easily, for just a couple of bucks) and bury them in the backyard. The deeper, the better, because if you have to literally "dig up some money" before you can go out for Black Friday, it makes a last-minute breakdown of willpower that much easier to avoid.

Be sure you give all precious metals and jewelry you have lying around the house the same treatment. Gold coins, silver bars, even semi-precious stones may all become legal tender once society collapses into a Black Friday frenzy. Bury it all.

Furth avoid temptation to head out to big box stores by also burying your car. Just you try getting to a Doorbuster Sale via public transportation on a holiday schedule. Good luck! Plus, how would you even get a 60" TV home on a bus?

Hunker in a Bunker

The best protection from Black Friday radiation is a shielded underground bunker. It helps if there is an abandoned missile silo nearby that you can convert into a safe, secure place for you and your family. Barring that, any old cold-war-era bomb shelter will do just fine, too. However, we fear that if you have not already built a bunker by this point, it might be too late to do so. Unless you act fast, your family is going to have to make do surviving Black Friday above ground in a normal old house.

Have an Escape Plan

In case Black Friday does find a way into your life, be sure you're ready to "bug out" at the first indications of trouble (hearing a news report about long lines; or catching a radio advertisement that mentions a "one day only sale," for example). Be sure you've secured a secondary location to move you and your family to if it comes to it. A remote cabin is preferred, but a Motel 6 should be just fine, too.

In the end, no amount of preparation can stop Black Friday from happening. All you can do is grab your family, some dehydrated rations, hunker down in your bunker, and just pray you'll survive this year's onslaught of Black Friday sales! If you think we're being alarmist or if you think that a Black Friday can never happen in our lifetimes then think again! It's real and it's coming. We're not crazy... we think.

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Jeff Somogyi
Contributing Writer

Jeff Somogyi is constantly trying to come up with ways to surprise and delight audiences the world over. He takes humor seriously ... too seriously. (Honestly, we've never seen him laugh ... it's kinda creepy.)
DealNews may be compensated by companies mentioned in this article. Please note that, although prices sometimes fluctuate or expire unexpectedly, all products and deals mentioned in this feature were available at the lowest total price we could find at the time of publication (unless otherwise specified).


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Jeff Somogyi (DealNews)
Thanks, scottr112!
I'll have to check out those episodes for further research!
Ha, this article is great. It reminds me of the recent South Park episodes about Black Friday. Winter is coming....