The 9 Types of Internet Commenters You'll See Hating on Black Friday

Here in the DealNews ivory tower, it's easy to forget that not everyone loves Black Friday deals the way we do. While we find the recent trend of more stores hosting Thanksgiving sales merely fascinating, some members of the Internet community are upset. Because we love and value the opinions of our fellow netizens, we wanted to share some of our favorite quotes from this Internet fight.

The battle lines have been drawn. Who will defend the sanctity of Thanksgiving? Who will save us from the evil corporations? Our comment section-trawling has helped us discern nine distinct arguments against our favorite shopping holiday. We've rounded up real quotes from some of the best shopping shade-throwers, and paired each with the pop culture personality that we feel best represents that archetype. Can the Internet convince you to sit out Black Friday for good? Read on to find out!

Argument: It's All a Conspiracy!

Rebuttal: As much as people like to, you can't argue with data. We've done the research (and made spreadsheets, soooo many spreadsheets); the numbers say that the Black Friday season is real, and Thanksgiving is the best part. There is no retailer conspiracy, unless it's a conspiracy of savings. [DailyFinance]

Argument: Black Friday is All of the Evil! ALL OF IT.

Rebuttal: Our glorious overlords, the lizardmen Illuminati (may their scales ever glisten), assure us that Black Friday isn't that bad. In all seriousness, we've been obsessively covering Black Friday for years. If there really was a dark and sinister plot at the heart of all these sales, DealNews would have covered it, meme'd it, and moved on by now. [Huffington Post]

Argument: Black Friday is dangerous!

Rebuttal: First off, we are so happy that our grandmother has mastered the art of Internet commenting. You go, Nana! Secondly, Black Friday really isn't the bloodbath that media outlets and concerned commenters make it out to be. An incredibly morbid website that's dedicated to tracking of Black Friday-related violence lists just seven deaths and 90 injuries total in the past eight years — and not to make excuses, but the vast majority are from car crashes returning from stores or police who get overenthusiastic with the pepper spray, not the oft-cited store fights and trampling. Of course, online shoppers don't even have to worry about icy roads. [Yahoo! News]

Argument: Black Friday is for Girls!

Rebuttal: It's weird, and a little disconcerting, how many Internet commenters seem to think that women are the only people participating in Black Friday. While the sexes may have slightly different approaches to the shopping holiday, everyone loves a bargain. In fact, greater shopper interest is one of the reasons that Black Friday has ballooned beyond its former single-day status: People want bigger, longer sales! [USA Today]

Argument: Only LAZY People Need Deals!

Rebuttal: Look, not all of us are drowning in private islands. If you're so well off that the very concept of buying things on sale is distasteful, then you have really come to the wrong website. For those of us whose homes don't occupy an entire ZIP code, a TV is still a major purchase. Queuing up weeks before Black Friday may sound crazy to some, but we think it's crazier to pay list price. [Yahoo! Tech]

Argument: Black Friday Shoppers Are Just Sheep!

Rebuttal: This argument is always a head-scratcher, and not just because the hyperbolic rhetoric is usually difficult to penetrate. If Black Friday is a corporate greedfest, is there a better time of year when these commenters would prefer us all to shop? Are you more or less of a corporate slave when you pay full price? Honestly, we don't have a rebuttal for this argument; we're genuinely confused. [DailyFinance]

Argument: I Tried Black Friday Once. It Was Awful!

Rebuttal: Hey, we hate shopping in-store on Black Friday, too. But that's no reason to write off the entire shopping season! To these grumpy commenters, we humbly suggest giving Black Friday a second chance with online shopping. [GameSpot]

Argument: Thanksgiving is Sacred!

Rebuttal: Spending time with family and friends is awesome, no argument there. But forcing people to celebrate Thanksgiving goes against what the Puritans (a.k.a. the original pilgrims) were trying to do. The Puritans were totally opposed to holidays, wanting to do away with even Christmas and Easter. Instead, they thought we should have a "Day of Thanksgiving" whenever something especially cool happened in our lives, so we'd always be, you know, thankful. [Fox Carolina]

Argument: Good Ol' Godwin's Law

Rebuttal: Shopping on Thanksgiving doesn't make you a bad person, and it sure as heck doesn't make you a Nazi. No one is forcing anyone to go shopping on Thanksgiving, or Black Friday for that matter. If shopping on a holiday makes you feel like Hitler, then shopping isn't your biggest problem. The rest of us just want to enjoy the sales without being accused of war crimes. [Reddit]

Well readers, have the arguments above convinced you to boycott Black Friday and all of its awesome deals? Or would you like to offer these commenters a collective chill pill? Either way, tell us all about it in the comments below; you know we'll read them!