In this week after Independence Day, let us celebrate our unalienable right to buy anything we want at any fool time, and for any reason. A Water Whiz Squirt Gun? Got it. A 5-in-1 Spork Multitool? Got that, too. And if you're wondering whether we could possibly find a bargain on a Sodial Scalp Massager, well guess what? There's no head scratching involved with that deal, or any of the others featured in this roundup: Buy them simply because you can. It's the American way.
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Studio Banana Things OstrichPillow
Store: Kmart
Price: $69.99 with free shipping
Lowest By: $30Is It Worth It?: Why face the perils and problems of life with bravery and pluck when you can make like an ostrich, stick your head in this fluffy pillow, and nap the world away? Available in Gray, this original ostrich pillow by Studio Banana features flexible fabric with micro ball filling. It's designed to allow you to create a little private space within a public one, a concept employed by successful ostriches, groundhogs, and slackers everywhere.
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The Water Wiz Squirt Gun 2-Pack
Store: THAT Daily Deal
Price: $9.99 with 99-cent s&h
Lowest By: $5Is It Worth It?: One water gun means an unfair fight. Two water guns means that your foe, much as you despise his cowardly guts, has a fighting chance to vanquish you with mass quantities of jet-streamy H2O or soda pop. And at $5.49 per gun, no one has to go broke while you soak each others' brains out. This gun allows you to attach a variety of soda bottles and sprays up to 30 feet. Just remember, though: Any attempt to mix Mentos and Diet Coke gives you an explosive (and unfair) fighting advantage. If you're not sure what that means, drop some Mentos into a Diet Coke bottle and stand ... way ... back.
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Vibe DIY Block Calendar
Store: GearXS via eBay
Price: $8.99 with free shipping
Lowest By: $18Is It Worth It?: Counting down the days waiting for your ostrich pillow to arrive? Or simply planning out the next heated water gun fight between you and your arch enemy? Say goodbye to iCal and other boring calendar options with this locking-brick calendar set, which features dates, days, blanks, icons, and special occasion bricks. Build it into any shape you like! The possibilities are endless!
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5-in-1 Spork Multitool
Store: pidis08 via eBay
Price: $1.96 with free shipping
Lowest By: $2Is It Worth It?: As we all know from high school history, the Roman slave Sporkticus invented the namesake Spork in 100 B.C. while trying to break free from his captors and consume his Beefaroni. More than 2,000 years later, perfection in the art comes via this Silver Teflon-finished device, which features a spoon, short-tined fork, bottle opener, screwdriver blade, and three metric wrench reliefs. We know Sporkitucs would be pleased, though we also suspect that someone will hotrod this baby to include a compass, GPS, and nose hair trimmer.
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Sodial Scalp Massager
Store: Hoop China via Amazon
Price: 92 cents with free shipping
Lowest By: $1Is It Worth It?: If your scalp is just itching for a massage (or some dandruff shampoo), hang tight for this item to arrive, as the estimated delivery time is two to three weeks. Used effectively, it's said to relax stressed muscles and provide deep relaxation. It's also promoted as "great for home, office, or travel," and we imagine that if you're the office prankster, it might make a fabulous hat to wear your next board (or bored) meeting.
Front page photo credit: Paste Magazine
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Yes, it is true that the Spork is able to act like a spoon sometimes and like a fork at other times. The complicating factor is that it does so backwards. When you are eating pudding it is like eating pudding with a fork. When you are trying to pick up a piece of meat the stupid thing decides to go into spoon mode.
When I look into my to go bag and find that they have provided me with a spork instead of spoon and fork, I see it as evidence that the CEO of the restaurant in question does not eat his own company's food or he would have gone into a rage and banned their use long ago.