This Week's Rumor Roundup: More iPhone 5 Details, LCD Kindle

What's new in the tech world this week? Here are the rumors we've been tracking:

• iPhone 5 will have dual SIM card slots?
  You'll double your chances to be caller 100 on the big *honk honk* ZOO CREW giveaway to win Lady Gaga tickets!
• Next-gen Kindle will be an Android tablet?
  About as sensible as saying, "The next-generation pizza will be a hamburger". These are two different things, Amazon. If I wanted an eye-straining LCD screen to read my books on, I'd buy an iPad. (Well, first I'd rob a bank, cuz I don't have that kind of dough.)
• iPhone 5 to have a metal back?
  Wow Apple, way to being metal back! Them other boys don't know how to act. I think you're special, what's behind your back? Brushed aluminum? Oh ...
• Groupon valued at $25 billion?
  That's a LOT of 50% off hot-stone massages.
• ASUS launching $200 Chrome netbooks in June?
  We already have $200 netbooks ... they're called "netbooks". Also: Didn't you get the memo, ASUS? Tablets are where it's at! (Gosh, that sounds like an anti-anti-drug campaign, doesn't it? Yeesh!)
• Microsoft discontinuing Zune hardware?
  I promised myself I wouldn't cry. Oh, this is so embarassing. Can I just have a moment? Please? *sniff*

Jeff Somogyi is the dealnews Media Editor. The only silver lining he can see about the demise of Zune is that people will now stop making fun of him for liking it. Ride his emotional roller coaster on Twitter @dzheough.