The Most Dangerous Toys of 2014: What to Get for the Kids You Hate
Ah, the holidays! They're a wondrous time in a child's life. Lights, songs, presents! Why ruin all that fun by getting your kids toys that'll harm them? That's not very cheery and in the spirit of things ... unless you celebrate some weird Cthulhu-type holidays, maybe.
Thankfully, the kind folks over at W.A.T.C.H. (World Against Toys Causing Harm, Inc.) are watching out for your kids. Just like every other year since time began, this group has put together its list of the season's worst toys. Each one on this list has it out for your kid, so you better avoid them at all costs if you don't want to spend Christmas morning in the ER. (But, with all joking aside, click through to see the quite serious reasons these toys have been banned.)
Zing Air Storm Fire Tek Bow
Does your child dream of being Katniss Everdeen? Using a bow to efficiently kill other children, for the enjoyment of adults? Well, then we think you have bigger problems than this toy bow which, admittedly, could pop someone's eye out. Sure, that's terrible too we guess, but it's all about perspective.
Radio Flyer Ziggle
To make this conveyance "go," your 3-to-8-year old has to squirm and wiggle around, frantically. With such violent writhing going on, there's no chance that junior won't up-end and crash to the hard, cruel, unforgiving ground. (The ground sounds like a real jerk!) Sure, the seat is only 8" off the floor and that doesn't sound like much, right? But remember the last time your iPhone fell that far and you were all, "OH NO! I HOPE IT'S ALL RIGHT! My poor baby! Kiss kiss kiss." (However, when your kid falls that far, you're all "Eh, they'll heal." You're all terrible parents... but very good iPhone owners!)
Cata Pencil
The slingshot has been the hallmark of the "rascally little boy" since David used one to defeat Goliath. What we're saying is that, besides being a hazard to kids' eyes blah, blah, this is a terrible gift of biblical proportions. Plus, slingshots are so "Dennis The Menace," and no one knows who that even is anymore. Don't make your kid look like a dated reference to hooliganism; avoid this toy. Mr Wilson would.
Skip Hop Alphabet Zoo Rock and Stack Pull Toy
Though all the animals on this toy have been painted with the cold, lifeless eyes of killers, it's the owl who (whoo!) is the true lunatic out to murder your child. But, oh, he'd never dirty his own hands (wings?) to do the deed! See, he has attached a way-too-long cord to his car, there. A way-too-long cord with which your child will strangle themselves. That's plausible deniability. That owl is a psychopath. All owls are psychopaths. Avoid them and call the cops.
Spark. Create. Imagine. Wooden Instruments
Despite the fact that one of those "instruments" looks suspiciously like brass knuckles, the problem here is that the drumstick-shaped thing (which is possibly a drumstick) can choke a kid, if they decided to start drumming on their uvula.
ScienceWiz Bottle Rocket Party
Ain't no party like a bottle rocket party, because a bottle rocket party don't stop... giving your children impact injuries!
Lil' Cutesies Best Friends
Overlooking the damage this item causes to the English language by using "cutesie" to describe this nightmare, the real harm is from the tiny headband bow, which can fall off and be swallowed. You know, after that Annabelle documentary came out, you'd think we'd all be a bit more suspicious of killer dolls.
True Legends 23" Orc Hammer
War hammers are a tricky gift. On the one hand, you want your offspring to have a familiarity with war hammers. On the other, you're giving them a giant hammer that they will use to destroy your house starting precisely 0.05 seconds after they unwrap it. With more and more parents putting a higher value on their possessions than the educational aspects of war hammers, it's no wonder we're losing The War On Orcs. (They just "want it" more.)
Toys "R" Us Bright Colored Hedgehog
If the phrase "aspirated hair" makes you cringe, then avoid "Alopecia the Hedgehog" here. Since its hair isn't secured that well, it's almost certain to fall out and be inhaled by your child. *Hack* (Yet, for some reason, this same quibble is never made when grandma's around your baby.)
So, unless you have a real grudge against a certain child, your best bet is to avoid these things like Santa avoids the Island of Misfit Toys and have a safe, choke-, puncture-, and strangulation-free holiday!
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Funny (and useful?) article. Thanks!