The Best Gift for Your Favorite Grad: A Job
Kids are graduating all over the place, these days! For those in college, this often means returning home to mooch off of the old folks for some time while trying to "get their head together" and contemplate their "next move." All that thinkin' isn't getting them out of the house fast enough, though, is it? That's why we suggest that this June you don't get your child a laptop, car, or backpacking trip around Europe. No, we suggest you get them the gift that keeps on giving: a job!
With your couch's occupancy on the line, here's a list of several less-than-surefire ways of getting your kid out of your house and out on their own:
It works and has for years! From car salespeople to presidents, it's proven that you have a better chance of getting a job if your mom (or dad) did it first. Maybe there's a desk around your office or workplace that could use another warm body? Look into it! Downside: You now have to WORK with your kid, all day. And if they promote him over you, can you handle that?
Do you know someone with something to hide? Maybe an acquaintance of yours would prefer a certain "adventure" in Las Vegas remain in Las Vegas? Or maybe you know of a coworker who stole a little bit more than just supplies from the company? Turn that knowlede into leverage and that leverage into a job for your progeny! "Blackmail" is such a dirty word. Let's call this "greypost," shall we? Much better.
When you read, "3 Killed in Tragic Milkshake Explosion at CowBurger" maybe you should be seeing, "3 Job Openings at Local Restaurant." Pass these leads on to the newly minted worker in your family. What, is your prodigal child too good for honest burger work? Well, with a keen enough eye, you can find job openings almost everywhere ... in the obituaries!
Chances are your child looks somewhat like you, so you can probably fool the recruiter by pretending to be your daughter or son (choose wisely depending on which gender you are, of course). A quick bit of signature fraud and, hey presto, your kid won't have to worry about a job for the next two to eight years. And with the current state of our overseas policies, it's a growth industry.
If getting your kid to flee the coop is more of an issue than the "and get a job" part, just plant drugs on them and call the cops. [Note to kids reading this: This article is played for laughs! Your mom and dad would never do this to you. Probably. But they always COULD ... so get a job already!]
The "Jennifer Jason Leigh"
Train your daughter or son to start dressing and acting like someone who already has a job. Encourage them to follow and observe the employed around all day. Tell your grad to study the habits of a successful business person. Then, when they are ready, tell them to "Single White Female" their way into assuming that other person's life. If your kid is a good enough actor, the cops could even be convinced that the person they are doppelganger-ing is the impostor and the one sent to jail will be the original, while the copy gets a corner office and a Maserati.
Follow the steps for the "Single White Female" [see above], but have their "target" be you. That way, they can assume your life as you fake your own death and disappear to the Canary Islands! It's a two-for!
As a last ditch effort, post an ad on Craigslist, offering up your child as a good worker. Careful of your wording though, "Young Daughter Ready to Work" might get the wrong type of respondents.
So, as you can see, there are many, many ways for you to get your kid a job. It just takes a little dedication, hard work, and perseverance ... though, if you have that, some of it probably would have rubbed off on your offspring and we wouldn't be in this situation. So nevermind! Enjoy your cum laude couch potato! They'll get a job, sooner or later!
Front page photo credit: Pastor Shawn
Photo credits top to bottom: Pico Cool,
Fed Job Search Trainer, and Flying Tiger Comics
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