By Jeff Somogyi, dealnews Media Editor Oscars, huh? Who won't they give awards to?! (Answer: Me. SAD FROWN!) Star Wars: Episode I 3D Coming to Blu-ray Soon? C'mon! Are any of us surprised at this point by the money-grubbing nature of this Lucas person? Star Wars Episode I Blu-ray Special SPECIAL 3D Edition: The Obvious Cash-Grab. [Pocket-Lint] Google Investigating Retail Stores? "Hello! Welcome to Google! What can I search for you, today?" You know, in certain locations, they could brand this as "Artisanal Searches" and make a killing. #Hipsters [Fool.com] Apple Shrinking the Dock Connector on Future iDevices? "Shrinking it? Evolutionary. Getting rid of it all together? Revolutionary!" "But how will it syn-" "I SAID REVOLUTIONARY! MAKE IT SO!" (This concludes the one-act play, "Apple As Tyrant With A Fondness for Star Trek: The Next Generation's Captain Picard" — it's a working title.) [CNET] Apple Purchases Chomp, Will Get Better App Sorting and Searching? Alternative, lower-class joke: Finally, I'll be able to find the GOOD fart apps! Yeah, that's the alternative to a better joke that I couldn't come up with, sorry.... [TechCrunch] OS X Mountian Lion Will be Exclusively Downloadable? Apple assures us that no one will complain about this. (At least, no one of consequence will.) "What if I don't have a high speed Internet connection?" "Ugh! Who left the door open, allowing this poor street urchin to sneak in here?!" (A second, one-act play about Apple!) [macgasm] iPhone Will Remain on September/October Release Schedule? This was done so that tech bloggers can make the joke, "A new apple will be harvested in the fall!" (They will then high five, but be silently weeping inside.) [AppAdvice] Jeff Somogyi is the dealnews Media Editor. He weeps openly and silently high-fives. See more of his inner monologues on Twitter or on his blog. You can also sign up for an email alert for all dealnews features.