When the Internet runs out of news, it starts making things up. We think this is funny, so we round up all the lies and speculation and put them here. We call it the "Rumor Roundup" and we do it all for you! This week: Are Apple Stores Going to Move iPods Off of Their Tables and Onto Shelves? And to solidify its new place as a second-tier Apple device, no better than an HDMI cable or replacement earbuds, store employees are allowed to refer to customers who ask about the excommunicated device as "garbage people." [9to5 Mac] Is a New Apple Magic Mouse on Its Way? Guess after that whole thing with Mrs. Brisby and her kids, those magic mice needed somewhere to go. [Apple Insider] Is a Metroid Game Finally in the Works for the Wii U? The only thing more infuriating than Nintendo churning out retreads of the same IPs over and over again is that there's too much time between those retread releases. [Nintendo Enthusiast] Is Microsoft About to Unveil an "Xbox Mini"? About a third of the size of the current Xbox One? I think that's still too large to earn the sobriquet "mini." Though I'm the type of person who used the term "sobriquet," so what do I know about anything? [Attack of the Fanboy] Will Intel Model Chips Be in Half of All New iPhones? Why, in my day, they used to put a prize in every iPhone... and it used to be something fun. Like a decoder ring. Guys, this joke was grrrrrreat! [FierceWireless] Is Apple in the Market for a Car-Testing Facility for Its Self-Driving Car? A self-driving car, from Apple? Can't be any worse than these Jersey drivers, amiright?! These quips are written by a professional writer, on a closed laptop. Do not attempt. [PC Mag] Related DealNews Features: Rumor Roundup: An Ovation for Batman? Fantastic Four 2? Some Tech Stuff? Rumor Roundup: Will Apple Get Phone-ier? Star Wars Land? More? Rumor Roundup: Star Wars Live-Action TV Shows? Apple Cars? More?