Rumor Roundup: Female Playable Character in GTA VI? Fat iPhone?


When the Internet runs out of news, it starts making things up. We think this is funny, so we round up all the lies and speculation and put them here. We call it the "Rumor Roundup" and we do it all for you! This week:

Female Theif
  • Will GTA VI Feature a Female Main Character?
    But when you rob banks in-game, you're only allowed to steal 78% as much as a male character. We're not there yet, people! [iDigital Times]

  • Will Shovel Knight Appear in the Next Super Smash Bros. Game?
    Sigh. If only kids were as excited by real shovels, as they are by their appearance in video games. That's what's wrong with kids, these days: they just don't love shovels no more! Someone needs to "disrupt" the shovel industry and make them cool again. iShovels. [Christian Today]

Fat iPhone
  • Will the iPhone 6S Be Slightly Thicker Than the Previous Model?
    By only a few microns... but that's enough for us to discount the phone sight unseen as "chunky garbage not worth buying!" Phones should always get thinner. Unlike me, who just gets bigger, because I can't stay away from pie. Thankfully I'm not an iPhone. [MacRumors]

  • Is YouTube Going to Announce an Ad-Free Subscription Plan?
    Ok, Ok, maybe that's what's wrong with kids today? We'll get to the bottom of what's wrong with kids today by the end of this article! (Or we won't, and someone older than I will be all, "That's what's wrong with young people: The never finish anything they [GameZone]

Adele 21
  • Will Adele Release a New Album in November?
    Since 2011, I have heard her voice in my head singing "Rumour Has It" every single time I work on this weekly Rumor Roundup article. That's 224 times over the last four-plus years. And now it finally pays off, as I can just quip, "Or, at least... rumor has it!" So worth it, guys, to have an unending earworm for four years. [Go Knoxville]

  • Is Apple Going to Announce New Colors for the Bands of its Apple Watch?
    Maybe what's wrong with kids is that they want too many watch band colors? [Apple Insider]

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Jeff Somogyi
Contributing Writer

Jeff Somogyi is constantly trying to come up with ways to surprise and delight audiences the world over. He takes humor seriously ... too seriously. (Honestly, we've never seen him laugh ... it's kinda creepy.)
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1 comment
Greg the Gruesome
Apple should make a clear Apple Watch band.